What Can I Say?

It’s another night and another chance for me to reflect on the day. Honestly, I felt like crap today. Not like I was ill or anything but just generally down in the dumps. I don’t know what to tell you guys, it just happens sometimes. It was like there was the world on top of a massive herd of giant elephants standing in 50 feet of crap with me underneath it all! Anyone who has a Facebook page has probably seen the following photo, or one similar to it, posted at one time or another.

break

And what it says is true. I’m sure everyone has their good days and their bad days. Some more or less than others. Some might even have really rough bad days, like I do, and really great good days.

Every morning I will try and meditate for at least 5-10 minutes and doing that makes me feel more like I can handle anything that gets thrown my way that day because it sets me up for being able to get through stressful situations. Today, I didn’t bother with that. I just felt too bad. I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed all day but I knew if I didn’t get up I would starve all day. At this point, I’d like to take the opportunity to let you all know that yes, it may seem like I was wallowing in my own pity all day and that this post is just a chance for me to moan but really talking about it is cathartic for me.

So, I got out of bed and moped around for the best part of 2-4 hours. I wasn’t hungry but I knew I had to eat something so, around 2pm, I had a packet of crisps. That was the first thing I’d eaten all day. Then I decided that all I wanted to do was sit on the couch with the TV on and binge on whatever food I could get my hands on. (Like I said, some people have really rough bad days and I am one of those people.) I knew I couldn’t do that so I made myself go out and get some fresh air. It was at this point I realised I needed some batteries because my alarm clock had stopped yesterday. Damn! I’d come home from uni a couple of days early to get some air because you won’t believe how crowded I felt up there, and hoped to stay away from work until I had to go on the weekend. Of course, the cheapest place for me to get batteries is at work. *$#*! So I had to go in to work and who should be there but the very person I was dreading seeing the most, my boss (soon to be ex-boss when he moves stores.).

Have you ever had a boss who you thought was the biggest pervert of the century? If you have then I feel for you, I really do. If not, I hope you NEVER have to put up with that. It is one of the most degrading things you can possibly do, working for a pervert. He’s made various sexist comments to me and about me to other people. He’s done this to my colleagues too but for some reason he has a particular interest in selecting me to be the centre of the majority of these comments. He stares at women’s chests A LOT too. The worst I ever had from him though was a couple of weeks after I started there. I had gone in to the warehouse to get rid of some ripped up boxes and he was standing outside with 4 other supervisors. When he heard someone come in to the warehouse he turned round and, seeing that it was me, said “How’d it go last night?” I looked around and everyone had the exact same confused look on their face so I asked “What?” knowing full well that he was about to make another of his “jokes”. His reply was as disgusting and degrading as anything I’ve ever witnessed. “I saw you last night. On that street corner. Yeeeeah. I thought about going over to see if you wanted me but I didn’t think I had enough money left from the pub crawl.” I couldn’t do anything. I just stood there, mouth open, jaw on the floor, trying not to cry. He walked out laughing with 3 of the supervisors and the fourth, my supervisor, just blew it off when I said that it made me feel really uncomfortable by saying “That’s just the way he is. You’ll get used to it.” I don’t know if I was more angry at the comment or the fact that my supervisor, a woman no less, had simply blown off something like that which could have been reported to Head Office as sexual harassment. I still haven’t reported it for 2 reasons. 1- I don’t want to think about the idea that he can still sack me for any reason. 2- Quite frankly, I’m afraid of him and his, as yet, unknown capabilities.

Anyway, back to today. So, I walk in the door and I walk around to where the batteries are, at tills, and that’s when I see him. Getting in to his car and driving off. All I could think was thank God he didn’t see me. That was the point at which everything just fell into free fall for me today. Every time I see him he just makes me so anxious to get away and once I feel anxious everything just goes down the toilet.

I get home and spend the rest of the day on the couch with the TV on eating Dominos pizza and a multitude of sweets. I got to thinking at one point and when my brain starts thinking, it goes in to overload. A lot about me feeling down in the dumps has to do, I’m pretty sure, with what I’ve gone through in the past. A lot of times my feeling down has to do with feeling a mixture of alone, scared and anxious and the main cause of all of those is my past.

On the subject of my past, I often wonder if my supervisor would have done or said anything different if she’d known that I’d been sexually assaulted in the past. Would I be afraid of going to see a doctor for any reason? (I’m particularly terrified of having to go for my first pelvic exam!). I jump backward and forward between blaming myself and accepting that it wasn’t my fault. With all of that comes the guilt of never having reported it and allowing him to stay on the streets with the possibility of him striking again. A lot of people who have posted about things such as this online seem to always mention something about forgiveness being the first step to healing properly. I don’t know if it’s possible to forgive someone who has done that to you. Is it a load of poppycock or is it a real thing? At what point do people start to forgive? Do people see a massive STOP sign like the one below and think it’s a sign to stop blaming the perpetrator?

four-way-stop-sign

Are these people at a crossroads? Can you actually forgive someone who has damaged you like that? I also notice that a lot, not all, of these people cite “finding faith/religion” as the starting point for them realising they have to forgive to move on. Now, I was Christened so, technically, I belong to the Christian faith but I don’t really follow it. When it comes to God I don’t know what to think. Does he exist or not? Is everything that we have been taught about him real? Is it possible for an unseen entity to really affect people the way that many claim it has affected them? I feel like I’m stuck at a crossroads which can go 4 ways: forgiveness, future, past, present. I always ask myself “What road should I take?”. I mean, on one hand, I could choose the forgiveness road which I don’t entirely believe is a real thing when the evidence against forgiveness is so weighted. On the other hand, I could choose to stay in the past, present or move forward to the future and try to forget what happened. None of those choices are easy but when is a decision ever easy?

At the end of the day, sometimes I just need to reach back and say:

bad day

Because, at the end of the day, the truth of the matter is that no matter how difficult life is and how much it gets you down:

laughing

Why was I so down today I hear some of you ask. Basically, it was just a mix of everything all landing on top of me and overwhelming me.

Enjoy your Thursday’s everyone!

AV

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